Abuse Victim: You are not alone.

• They have a restraining order against them.
• They have an ex spouse with children who they never, ever see.
• They have a long list of ex partners who were drug-addicted, unintelligent, back-stabbing, thieving, psychotic, slandering, cop-calling, drama-mongers who were only out to destroy them methodically when all they wanted to do was make them into good people.
• They are a victim of society.
• They have children they forgot to tell you about.
• They seem too good to be true. In retrospect, as if it were all an act.
• His ex-girlfriend said you wouldn't make it past 6 months. He makes sure to tell you this right away.

• They stalk around in rage-mode. It's terrifying. You don't know what you have done.
• They criticize the relationships of everyone around you. They say that yours is perfect. You have to agree. You. Have. To.
• You've learned, or are gradually learning, that disagreeing is not ok.
• They are cruel to clerks and wait-staff in stores and restaurants. They seem completely unaware that their behavior is both embarrassing to you and hurtful to the person who is just doing their job. You unthinkingly apologized to a waitress or tried to tell him to calm down in a restaurant once. You were shaking in fear once you got to the car.
• They will lose their mind over something like interrupted cable service or a phone overcharge fee. He doesn't get annoyed or perplexed. He/she gets enraged.
• His opinions become your opinions, whether you like it or not.
• Scenario: You're visiting your parents' house and everyone is just chatting and looking at pictures. He becomes bored.
  What he does not do: Politely mention that he is ready to go, or wait it out.
  What he does do: Give you a very angry look OR go outside and sit in the car, to be found staring straight-forward without saying anything OR cross his arms and sulk until you figure out what it is or get too anxious to hang out any longer trying to figure out what it is.
• He has really wise things to say, and might often repeat them. He mixes truth in with the insanity. This makes it difficult to separate fact from fiction and further instills self-doubt in the victim.
• He has very, very particular habits that you must adhere to or face his wrath. Things like folding laundry or other items a certain way, putting things in a certain order. This stuff generally doesn't affect anything for better or worse, but he just wants it that way and it's selfish of you not to learn it. Cleaning and straightening things out becomes very stressful, because you could ruin everything so easily.
• Up until now, you've never realized what a thoughtless and careless person you are. It's a good thing he's so tolerant and there to remind you. Unfortunately, the harder you try, the more you seem to mess everything up.
• He sulks, glares silently, tightens his jaw and scowls with his brow. You ask him if he is mad. He asks you if you have done something that he should be mad about.
• You think you're losing your mind, and he doesn't disagree OR He thinks you're losing your mind.
• When you are hurt or afraid, he says, "I'm sorry you feel that way". You often wonder if he really does care.
• You never knew how immature your view of the world was, or how alone we really all are. Everyone is pitted against everyone else. Luckily, he is there to teach you.
• You are afraid of him.
• If you cry, it will only make him angry.
• Some of his demands can't be met. He wants you to quit your job if they do not double your pay and switch your hours to match his schedule, plus give you full health benefits. You like your job and you know they can't do this, but as stupid as you feel you go in and do as you're told. When they turn you down, he makes you quit your job. Later, after many applications and interviews, you land a job with worse hours, less pay, and that you hate. But it's closer to where he lives. You miss your old job. You feel guilty for not living up to his standards. or something like that
• He knows he scared you and he's sorry. He does it again. OR He thinks you have no good reason to be scared.
• It seems like it's sometimes a one-way street emotionally, and like he's spending a lot of time trying to convince you otherwise.
• He doesn't get really happy.
• He hates. He may even say "I hate the word hate", but whatever it is he's doing when he talks about certain groups of people, it ain't love. He shows extreme intolerance for other people, especially behind closed doors. He likes to rant. He's "not racist, but... ". He hates old people, men, or women with a passion. He talks a lot about how the world would be better without them.
• He gets in fights with people everywhere.

Focus on YOU

Your abuser is focused on themselves. They're focused on themselves as a victim of the world, of circumstance, and of everything but their own actions. They'll do everything in their power to keep your attention on them too. It doesn't have to be things that one typically calls to mind when thinking "abuse". Most people think about hitting when abuse is mentioned. Many abusers never raise a hand to their victims. Emotional abuse is harder to recognize for the victim, so continues for longer a lot of the time. It's harder to find "proof".

Some abusers may indeed threaten or use physical violence if they're faced with their partner or spouse leaving the situation. If you fear for your safety at all, please don't leave alone. Formulate a plan. Involve the police if need be. You aren't alone. This happens every day.

Others will use more subtle means, such as reminding you of every thing that you owe them. They've kept track of every single thing they've done for you, and every single time you've annoyed them. In fact, somehow those things have inflated and multiplied in their minds. Don't stick around for this litany. It's useless to argue with a manipulator, which is what an abuser is. Nobody makes up their mind to sit around for abuse. They have to be manipulated into it.

Don't let them turn your focus back onto saving them or making it up to them. What do you have to make up for? If you're unhappy in the relationship and they're obviously unhappy; leave. It's that simple. There's no point sticking around trying to figure out whose fault it was. Listening to more excuses and having your resolve hacked away at by someone who knows your weaknesses and isn't afraid to use them against you isn't going to help your heart heal in the long run. Stop waiting for a good reason to stay if you already know there isn't one. Stop taking damage and go.

Let your abuser wallow in their own issues. The fact that it has done nothing for them up until this point will not stop them from continuing, but that is their problem to figure out. For now, you have to focus on your safety and emotional wellbeing. You have to take care of you.

Reasons NOT To Leave

"I lied to my family and friends. I told everyone that this person was the ONE. If I go now, they'll all see me as a failure or a joke."

... The people who love you will learn to accept and understand your mistake. Many of them probably know more than you think, and have suspected something for longer than you could imagine. Regardless of that, telling a lie isn't a good reason to continue a lie. If you need something very true to tell them, tell them this: Lying to cover up for or protect an abuser is part of being in an abusive relationship. It's just another aspect of the brainwashing that manipulators pull on people. Don't sacrifice your happiness and the rest of your life just to save face over a mistake. You can fix this now or wait till it's worse, if you still have the chance to fix it later. Domestic violence sometimes ends in murder.
Also, if it helps you to know this, I lied about it too. I wish I had left sooner.

They're angry because they were raised wrong. They need me.

... As long as they have someone there to enable them by putting up with their abusive behavior, they can't get better. Having you as an emotional (or physical) punching bag hasn't solved their problems, and it is not going to. Has the anger gotten better or has it gotten worse? It is not your job to make up for their parents' mistakes. If they're going to get better it's going to be through intense therapy and take a lot of time. It has to be their decision, not something they do just to pacify you to make you stay.

He's going to get too angry.

If you have any small reason to fear for your safety, get other people involved. If you need to call the police, do it. If you need to leave behind all of your possessions and move in with a friend until you can get into the house or apartment when he or she is not around, do it. There is no reason for you to put yourself in danger to be polite to someone who has made it their business to intimidate you. And if their feelings are hurt now that they realize what scaring people gets them? Well, they have reaped what they have sown. Sparing someone's feelings takes a back seat to personal safety. Them's the facts. By the way, if he isn't getting too angry over this, he'll be doing it over something else you do.

I owe him so much.

In a healthy relationship, it's not about lending things back and forth. It's not a contest. Is it because he puts up with all of those flaws he unearthed for you, that nobody else ever complained about? Do you owe him because he was so lenient when you were too human to follow all of his strange and constantly-changing rules? Is it money? Did you have to pay him back for all of those gifts, and now you can't leave until your debt is payed off??
There is no weight and measure scale of who owes who more. If you were truly just take-take-taking from him; why would he want you to stay so bad?

He's going to tell lies about me. Yes. He will tell lies about you. When he isn't outright lying, he's going to bend the truth or retell the entire thing so that suddenly he is the victim and you are just another of those crazy, crazy women on the list of people he tried to save from themselves. You'll be his latest and greatest horror story. Sorry, but it comes with the territory.

It's still not a good reason to stay, is it? You've seen that he can lie and manipulate so now it's time to decide whether or not you want this in your life. Please don't lose your identity in an abuser. That's what abusers do. They change others, beat them down, wring them out, and eventually sap them of their sense of self. Don't be the meek sidekick to this abusive liar anymore. Get out, let him tell his lies about you. The people who know and love you, the ones that matter, will figure things out as the initial confusion dies down. You'll probably be surprised how many of them have already figured things out.

As for his friends, do you really care what they think? Sure, it sucks for people to think that you're the most evil person on the planet. I mean it really, really hurts. Then again, if they're too blind to see through his spin and all of the drama and see that you're not a monster, what use are they? You don't need his friends any more than you need him. It's a big world. The are new people to meet every day. Don't let a manipulator preaching to a select group of tools get you down!

Read up, be careful, and look out for you. If it's a physically abusive situation, you remotely feel your life is in immediate danger, or if children are involved, get the hell out now and figure out the other stuff later. Stay on a couch at a friend's house and look up shit on the library internet. Children cannot extract themselves from an abusive environment. They are completely defenseless and if something happens to you, they have nobody.

Take care of yourself, because your partner is not going to.